Include me in
Can you spend some of your most precious resource- your time- with a single mum? Could you invite them over when they don’t have their kids and the four walls close in, for a walk, coffee out somewhere, home- cooked supper, takeaway and dvd night or even a dinner party? Many women who become single feel like pariah, “untouchable”. Suddenly they lose friends like flies due to their embarrassment, conflicting loyalties or as Jen Croly puts it in “Missing Being Mrs”, they are now a constant reminder of the fragility of marriage and even a threat. Could your cosy four or six-some round the table accommodate one or two single women friends aswell?
When they have their children with them, do you realise what a blessing it is to be included in a family? Sunday lunch, a walk in the countryside, trip to the park or cinema…all can make them feel others are standing with them and all the books will tell you it is especially important for boys to have other positive male role models around them to aspire to and guide them.

Needing a hand
Can you or your spouse offer some practical support from DIY to babysitting, to a single parent? Several years ago I remember hearing Activate Chair Fiona Castle at a Care for the Family event saying one of the many things she found hard about being widowed, was being overwhelmed by all the practical jobs that Roy used to do like hanging pictures. While I have been forced to step well out of my comfort zone over the past four years in terms of car maintenance, route planning, IT and small DIY jobs to name but a few, I can’t tell you what a joy it is when someone offers to do something that would hang about on my “to do” list until I summoned up enough energy/ confidence/ cash to sort it. Note: I have found it is worth asking my friends who volunteer their husband’s services, whether they have mentioned it to them first! It may also help both sides to set a time limit eg an hour a month for “little jobs”, or the first Friday of every month, yoga or parent’s evenings to babysit. That way the single parent doesn’t feel like they are harassing/ pressurising/ begging you all the time. Why note rope in a few friends in your network to spread the load on their behalf?

Gary Chapman also covers words of affirmation, gifts and physical touch in his love languages. How can single mums you know benefit from these?

A kind word
Everyone knows sincere compliments and upbuilding words make the world a better place and bless both the giver and receiver. Remember- your friend may no longer be on the receiving end of much positive feedback, especially if things are bitter with the ex or the kids are struggling with grief or anger. Telling them they look great or are doing a terrific job with the kids will give them a lift and keep them going. Mark Twain reckoned he could go a fortnight on a good compliment!

Better to give
What does your friend need? I know wealthy single mums with all the trappings and one without a phone or a car- and plenty in between. Everyone has different needs, and if you have spent time with that person or know someone who has, you will quickly learn what they are. Little tokens needn’t cost a lot- a new lipstick, cinema ticket, bunch of flowers from your garden, paperback you’ve just enjoyed or a cake…the list is endless. Scared of having them feel they “owe you” or couldn’t accept it? How about some gift tokens to spread the load at Christmas, cash when their road tax is due or a few yummy food goodies left outside the door, all anonymous?

Living without love
I once heard a talk on singleness where the speaker said “we can all live without sex, but no- one can live without love. Single people still need touch.” Be generous with your hugs if that single parent is the same sex as you and a “touchy- feely” sort, or cuddle up to watch a “chick- flick”! If not, just a touch on the hand or squeeze of the arm can reassure them you care. Or how about booking them a back massage if that’s their kind of thing? Very therapeutic!

Finally, one thing not to say to a single parent: “call me if you’re desperate”. I will never forget my recently- bereaved friend whose dear mother had just been killed crossing the road. People who didn’t “get” the extent of her grief as she lay incapacitated on the sofa with three kids to keep nurturing would say these very words. Finally, when one well- meaning lady said the same, she snapped. “How desperate do I have to be?” she retorted in tears, “do I need the paracetamol in one hand and the razor blades in the other?”.

I guess most of this lot applies to us all, mums or not, single or not, with children or not- but may I make a plea on behalf of single parents everywhere this Mother’s and Father’s Day? For God’s sake, include us in!